Babies Tale

Sometimes late motherhood produces a real sense of crisis. Women’s fantasies and expectations are not always met by motherhood and they can be confused when they are not able to manage the transition better. “Before he was born I had the illusion that I would continue my life like before-going out with friends to movies or concerts, just getting a baby-sitter when I needed one. I had no idea I would be so tired or the baby would make such demands that independence became impossible. I thought a baby wouldn’t tie me down, and now look at me.”

In an essay entitled “Psychotherapy with Pregnant Women,” therapist Joan Raphael-Leff observes that women who come to motherhood later may have consciously set aside, avoided or denied pregnancy in past years. The conflicting emotions from these earlier years will still be in the subconscious. When they have the baby, these may resurface, causing conflict.

Older mothers are more likely than younger ones to have reached a point where their lives are ordered and they have things running much as they want. A baby’s arrival can upset these routines and create chaos the mother cannot cope with. The transition from being an autonomous person to someone who is constantly at the receiving end of demands from the infant can be overwhelming. And the problem is, it’s inescapable. “People kept saying to me, ‘Why don’t you go out and leave the baby for an afternoon or evening?’ But that was just the point. I didn’t want to leave her; I couldn’t bear to be separated from her for a second. It was the tyranny of my own emotions I couldn’t escape from, not her.”

The birth of a second baby can present almost more problems than the first. Statistics show the trend to late motherhood has also shortened the space between births. If the older mother wants to have more than one child she has to squeeze them in quickly. Two surveys, done in I988 and I989, show that women who began childbearing in their 30s had an average of 27 months between their first and second baby and 30 months between second and third, compared with 30 and 35 for mothers in their twenties. The older the mother, the shorter the gap is likely to be.

The arrival of the second baby means the mother is now much more tied down than she was before. It was possible for her alone or with her partner-to go out for the evening with the first baby in a backpack. But it is almost impossible to do anything spontaneously with a small baby and demanding toddler.

“My day was totally circumscribed,” says Annie, whose children were born when she was 40 and 42. “I had to stick to my daily routine or it was hell. There was just under I8 months between them. James needed a nap for an hour after lunch or he was unbearable. He needed to be fed at regular times. Everywhere I went I had to take the baby in a sling and the toddler in a stroller, jars of pureed foods, drinks and all that stuff. For nearly a year I had two sets of diapers. By the time the baby was three months old I was so exhausted I didn’t know what I was doing, and I was so bored I thought I would go crazy. If one of them was ill or it rained hard, I just didn’t know how I would get through the day.”

There is only one way to survive: with the companionship of other mothers. Just someone to talk to, to say how you are feeling, can make all the difference. Unfortunately, older mothers may find it more difficult to meet other mothers in their situation. “I think there are older mothers now, but when I had my son ten years ago there weren’t so many around,” says Vivienne, who was 4I when her daughter Ruth was born. “Most of the other mothers I met at prenatal classes were ten years younger and they thought they were ‘old’ to have a baby at 32! At first we would meet for coffee, but we didn’t really have that much in common. I did want to meet other mothers like myself.”

Other mothers had a different experience:

“I didn’t think it was so unusual to have babies late. Most of the mothers in my prenatal class were in their thirties and some were in their late thirties. There were quite a few late mothers at the local playgroups, and I found a lot of support. We were all willing to help each other.”

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