Babies Tale

Willing and able grandmothers, aunts, and cousins-once almost universally available to give generously of their time, material wealth and advice to new parents-have now become rare. Today they are apt to live far away across the country or to be fully occupied with their own leisure or business commitments. A grandmother who does live near you and wants to be involved in the care of your baby can be a help or a hindrance, depending on her common sense and personality and upon your own attitude toward her interest. If she is critical of your efforts at housekeeping or baby care, plays the martyr, or refuses to consider the possibility that any way but hers is the right way to do anything, you won’t be overjoyed to see her coming. But if she gives advice only when she is asked for it, accepts you as you are, and is willing to help you in the ways you choose, she can be the best thing that’s happened to you-and to your child, as well. If you treasure memories of a special relationship with a grandparent, you want your child to have that same experience, one that can develop only between individuals separated by a generation. The baby’s grandfather, too, will have a special interest in your baby-his descendant. Accept his involvement in your baby’s life and encourage him to develop that privileged relationship that exists between a man and his grandchild. He may not be as actively involved with your baby as the baby’s grandmother, but his feelings may be just as strong.

Your first experience in sharing your child with a grandmother may be immediately upon your arrival home from the hospital, when she comes to give you a hand during the first days or weeks. Don’t be surprised if she prefers to do the cooking and cleaning and leaves the care of the baby to you. If she hasn’t been around a newborn for a time, she may be hesitant to test her long forgotten skills. You perhaps prefer that arrangement anyway, but don’t be resentful if she does want to do some things for the baby. You’ll have your chance later when she has left.

It’s possible that as you and Grandma talk about your baby, a difference of opinion between the two generations will arise. The problem will be one of conflicting information. Grandma may have to make many mental adjustments before she can accept and approve of your enthusiasm of some practices that were considered old fashioned and outdated when she herself was a young woman. Giving birth without anesthesia, for example; options such as birthing rooms, overnight hospitalization, and home births; and today’s emphasis on breastfeeding. She may find a young father’s total involvement in birth and child care inappropriate, because her husband left all that to her-and rightly so, according to her upbringing. You may find that you and she disagree about the use of pacifiers, about having a rigid schedule for feeding and bathing the baby, about whether to use cloth diapers or disposables. If Grandma is inflexible, you may dread the years ahead, anticipating continuous conflict about everything from nutrition to discipline.

However, those of the older generation who have raised families have a great deal to offer. Not every piece of advice Grandma will give you is based on a myth or an old wife’s tale, her years of experience taught her much that you can probably make use of. And many older relatives are willing to learn from new-generation mothers that, for example, a baby who is picked up every time he or she cries does not become spoiled and demanding, or that an immaculate house is not important to a baby’s health and welfare, or a family’s happiness.

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