Babies Tale

Ok. I’ll admit it. I was picked on as a kid. I didn’t say anything about it (mainly because I was too busy wondering what was wrong with looking like a female Steve Urkel), and I resolved to put the worst behind me.

Despite all my best intentions not to think about my tortures ever again, old Father Time decided to roll back the clock a bit when my 12-year-old sister-in-law, Nicole, came to stay the weekend with my husband and me. She was quitting ballet, she announced, an activity I knew she’d loved since she was five. Her reason? The other kids were teasing and bullying her about her weight. Two months later, Nicole announced that her mother was going to let her switch schools. Her reason? The kids were teasing and bullying her about her weight.

Now, I’ll be honest. I’ve seen Nicole eat, and it’s pretty much equivalent to observing one of the seven wonders of the world-considering she’s about to enter the teen years, that doesn’t surprise me a bit. Even so, Nicole’s announcements made me sad. After all, I knew what it was like to feel different and get teased, and I knew what it was like to want things to change. I was angry that she felt obligated to quit a favorite activity and to leave her school just because no one was willing to say anything to the teasers. Then I started to think about what I would do to fix the problem.

Kids bully for all sorts of reasons. Most of the time, it’s because the bullies have problems at home, because they want to impress others by being tough, or because they just want to push boundaries. With that kind of a bully, a parent or caregiver can explain to their bullied child why the single bully may be acting the way they are. Nevertheless, what is a parent or caregiver supposed to do and say when it’s the entire mass of children that is bullying their child?

Telling a socially bullied child that they are still special and beautiful and talented (among other things) does work, but only to a point. Even if all those things are true, it only does so much, because children tend to be influenced more by the peer group than the family once they reach a certain age. Kids look to others who are their own age for guidance on a whole plethora of things, so a kid who is bullied by multiple peers will find it more difficult to believe it when Mommy or Daddy tells them how bright or wonderful they are. For this same reason (and to make matters even worse), after a while, socially bullied kids can start to believe that the cruel actions and words of their peers are reality. This can lead to stress, which can lead to a host of health problems and/or depression.

Taking a bullied kid out for ice cream or buying them something doesn’t work either, because 1) it’s only a temporary fix, and 2) it teaches the bullied child that food and material objects are the normal ways to cope with pain.

Telling a kid just to forget about or to ignore bullying is pretty ineffective, too (would you be able to forget or ignore someone telling you that you were ugly or pushing you against the nearest locker -or worse-every day?). Kids remember even when we don’t want them to remember.

Based on my own experiences, I think the best thing a parent or caregiver can do when their child is being socially bullied is to sit their child down and explain the simple fact that human beings-even kids-are social beings. They’ll copy what everyone else is doing, even if it’s bullying, because they don’t want to be left out. Parents need to communicate that the child is loved, of course, but parents also need to be willing to go to school or daycare administrators and the parents of the bullies and to stand their ground in a demand for change. Bullying doesn’t just go away, so parents and caregivers need to look out for the signs and take action when those signs are seen. It doesn’t guarantee the bullying will stop entirely, but it can let your child understand more fully why it’s happening and that you’re willing to defend them, and that makes all the difference.

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