Babies Tale

A great deal has been written about postnatal depression, but very little about prenatal depression, although it is certainly common for women to be depressed in some stages of pregnancy. Many women feel overwhelmingly tired. Social engagements, work, housework and relationships all suffer if other people do not understand:

“I used to go to bed whenever I could. The house got really, really messy because I couldn’t face cleaning it. I couldn’t be bothered to cook nice meals and I didn’t have the energy to go to parties or to movies with friends. My husband used to groan because every night about nine o’clock I’d just say, I’m exhausted, I’m going to bed now.’ A lot of the time I was too tired for sex as well.”

Depression is perhaps particularly common in a second pregnancy, especially when the woman has a toddler or young child to care for. No one makes quite the same fuss over you after the first pregnancy, and it is harder to get the extra rest you need. Working women may find the second pregnancy particularly tiring and feel that they are not being efficient at their work, which can contribute to feelings of depression.

Older women in pregnancy, particularly, may worry about the health of their baby and about the birth itself-whether they will have complications and whether there will be anything wrong with the baby. Their attitude may depend to some degree on the attitude of the health professionals who care for them in pregnancy:

“I found out I was pregnant by accident in my early forties, too late to have an abortion or even the tests my provider was very nervous about it and my husband worried and thought something would be wrong. The scans indicated a different due date and showed the baby was small-it was a scary time.

“I worried about the birth because of my age, but the genetic counselor was fantastic. He said, ‘You’re a healthy woman-you should have a super-easy birth’ - he was very reassuring.”

I remember how excited I was when my husband first said he wanted to “try”. Immediately I’d had visions of cribs and diaper bags and felt like dancing a jig. After all, I was young, healthy, and had oodles of love to give away, not to mention that everyone I knew was asking me when two would become three. Nothing could bring me down at that point from my hoping-for-baby induced euphoria.

I had gotten married during college, so in order to make sure I could finish classes, I’d started on birth control. I had figured that when my husband said that magic word (”try”), I’d celebrate and just send everyone at the birth control clinic thank-you-but-no-thanks-anymore cards. I would stop taking the birth control, immediately become pregnant, and all would be well.

It was a simple, brilliant plan.

Ok… maybe I didn’t send cards to the birth control clinic, but I did stop taking birth control. I had the ovulation kits. I had my online cycle calendar. I was so ready to have a kid.

Of course, then life happened.

After stopping the birth control, I was a complete mess. For starters, my doctor had made it a point to tell me that it might take two to three months for my cycle to find its own rhythm again. I figured that meant I might be late or early by a maybe a week, tops-after all, I was normally like a clock, anyway, and my doctor had said I might be irregular by “a few days”. I guess to him, “a few days” could be 3 or it could be 15. Guess what number I experienced.

Even a year after stopping the birth control, the ovulation kits and such became pretty useless and I gave up on the calendar tracking. Not even monitoring cervical fluid was predictable. I cried at everything and acted like the Tasmanian Devil in a dress to my husband-it’s a wonder he didn’t leave me, and I’m totally sure my fits of tears and screams were such a turn-on.

To make matters worse, babies were everywhere. A couple with which my husband and I are mutual friends announced the birth of their second daughter in two years. Oh, I’m so happy for you, I said-What, you just laid yourself down and got sprinkled with fertility juice? I thought. You weren’t even looking for these kids and you’ve got ‘em. I’m trying here and have squat. What gives?

Weeks later, I learned a scary truth about birth control-although most women experience normal cycles after three to six months, for some women, it can take up to two years before the cycle is back to its pre-birth-control rhythm. Now, if you aren’t planning to get pregnant any time soon, that’s no biggie except for the slight annoyance of a less predictable period. For someone who actually wants to try, however-well, that’s a whole different story.

Under the right circumstances, birth control can be a good thing, but women who are considering taking it need to understand that the decision to take it may affect those months after they pop their last pill. Remember that every woman is different. Talk to your doctor, but don’t be afraid to get online, go to the library, or make a few extra phone-calls, too.

It is supposed to be one of the most exciting and miraculous times in a woman’s life, becoming a mother and experiencing the joys of motherhood. However, for many women this time is a time of stress, anxiety, uncontrollable dangerous thoughts and depression. It is a disorder that is becoming more and more talked about thanks to brave women like Brooke Shields who openly talk about their experiences. It’s called postpartum depression a more severe, lasting depression than the baby blues and is experienced by up to 12% of women after delivery. Symptoms may include hopelessness, guilt, difficulty concentrating, poor appetite, and thoughts of suicide, or even thoughts of hurting your own child.

During the postpartum period up to 85% of women experience some type of mood disturbance, however, 10-15% of women experience a more disabling and persistent form of mood disturbance called postpartum depression or psychosis. So what is the difference between just the baby blues and depression or psychosis?

Baby Blues:

• The baby blues should only last about two weeks, the symptoms should peak at the fourth or fifth day and last for several days but then start to remit.
• Rapidly fluctuating mood, tearfulness, irritability, and anxiety are common symptoms.
• Symptoms do not interfere with a mother’s ability to function and to care for her child.

Postpartum Depression (PPD):

• Postpartum depression occurs in 10-15% of women in the general population.
• Depressed mood—tearfulness, hopelessness, and feeling empty inside, with or without severe anxiety.
• Anxiety is high, including worries or obsessions about the infant’s health and well-being.
• Those with a personal history of depression, previous episode of postpartum depression, or depression during pregnancy are at the highest risk.
• Loss of pleasure in either all or almost all of your daily activities.
• The mother may have negative feelings toward the infant. She may also have intrusive and unpleasant fears or thoughts about harming the infant, these tend to be fearful thoughts, rather than urges to harm.
• Thoughts about death or suicide.
• Noticeable change in how you walk and talk—usually restlessness, but sometimes sluggishness.
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, with no reasonable cause.
• Usually trouble with sleeping, even when your baby is sleeping.

Postpartum Psychosis:

• Although the symptoms can occur at anytime within the first three months after giving birth, women who have postpartum psychosis usually develop symptoms within the first two to three weeks after delivery.
• Postpartum psychosis symptoms usually appear quite suddenly; in 80% of cases, the psychosis occurs three to 14 days after a symptom-free period.
• Hallucinations
• Delusions
• Illogical thoughts
• Insomnia
• Refusing to eat
• Extreme feelings of anxiety and agitation
• Periods of delirium or mania
• Suicidal or homicidal thoughts
• Women with a personal history of psychosis, bipolar disorder or schizophrenia have an increased risk of developing postpartum psychosis.
• Women with postpartum psychosis are not always able to speak about it or get help on their own so it may be necessary for a partner or friend to get them the medical attention they need.

The key to preventing postpartum depression from taking over you life is to asses it as early as possible and get treatment. If you think that you may be suffering from postpartum depression or psychosis call your doctor immediately and start getting help so you can enjoy you baby and your life.

Our children need so much from us. Food, clothing, shelter, attention, touch, discipline, education, opportunity, a role model… If you are a mom, chances are you run through this list several times a day. “How can I provide everything my child needs? I have trouble keeping up with the daily laundry and dishes let alone planning for college!” The responsibility can tend to overwhelm us as mothers.

“Mommy guilt” is a common phrase. Why isn’t “Daddy guilt” as common? I propose it is due largely to the fact that men can compartmentalize. Men can “get in the zone” and focus on one thing without letting the other priorities or responsibilities of the day interfere with their concentration. Women, with their uncanny ability to multi-task, often tend to “multi-think” as well. This is considered a strength, but when analyzing and planning for our child’s daily well-being as well as future goals, our minds can race. How will we ever be able to accomplish all of the tasks and wear all of the hats necessary to be all our child needs us to be?

One answer is: We don’t. We are not the only one raising our child. More than likely, there is a father, grandparents, extended family, church members, educators, and neighbors present. Your children probably have many people influencing their lives to nurture and educate them.

What if you don’t have help? What if you are truly “on your own” raising your child as a single parent? The writer of this article is in the unique position to relate in this situation. I have been raising three daughters by myself for 5 years. I have had little to no involvement from their father or from my family and friends. I am comforted to know that there is also God (if you believe as I do) who gave me these precious souls to care for and who loves them even more than I do, though it is difficult to comprehend. There have been many times when I have had to trust in Him to make up for the parenting skills I lack.

One downfall of being an effective parent is guilt. There have been several instances when I have been out with friends for a drink, working late, getting a pedicure, spending money on clothes when the guilt-ridden, anxious thoughts flood in to say, “What about the girls? They need more time with you. You are always working. They need new shoes, not you. They need a college fund more than you need that new stereo. You want to go back to school? The years are passing by and they have not been given the opportunities of piano lessons or gymnastics lessons or…” And the guilt trip goes on.

Don’t let Mommy guilt hold you back. One thing I always have to keep in mind: They are watching me grow and develop and behave as an adult role model. Do I want them to think that life is all work and no play? Do I want them to deprive themselves of self-care and an occasional self-indulgence? Do I want them to learn from me that worry and strife can accomplish anything? Do I want them to feel my anxiety and lack of trust in my Higher Power to provide for our needs?

The answer is: Certainly not. I want them to grow in their giftings and become well-rounded individuals with faith, hope, love and generosity. Whenever I give of myself to others, invest time in bettering my education and talents, and pursue my dreams, they see “Mommy” in a whole new light. While I will continue to be a conscientious parent who will attend to my daughters’ needs to the best of my ability, I will not neglect myself as a human being. If I did, I would be setting a poor example for my little girls who will soon be young women, and possibly, mothers.

It is my hope that this message will encourage all mothers, regardless of their circumstances, to care for themselves and, in turn, teach their little ones to value their self-worth and make healthy, balanced choices — guilt-free.