Babies Tale

Remember when you were absolutely the only one would could Band-Aid a knee, read Hop on Pop, or even cook a hot dog? No one else on Earth but you could sew a teddy bear’s stuffing in or comb out knots or even flush that dead fish just so. You were required, necessary and essential-when you were needed.

Those were the days when your child could not live without you. Your grandchild needs you, too. So, how come his mother acts like you’re some type of pox when you come to visit?

Daughters-in-law are not the easiest mothers to please. But, there are a few things to do that might smooth out some wrinkles along the way (no, sorry-not those wrinkles).

You may need to give up your need to be needed. You’re not the first line of defense anymore, and maybe your knees are telling you that’s a happy thing. How many times do you want to get down with the Legos or search for Barbie shoes under the couch? You can be there after Mommy washes the streaming blood off the screaming child’s chin and trundles down to soak the stains out of the new white shirt. You can be there to tell the story of when Daddy fell off his bike and got stitches in the ear he got caught in his spokes-and to hand over the ice cream.

You can be dessert. You don’t have to be meatloaf and broccoli, liver and kale, tofu cubes and soy-milk. You don’t have to be protein and carbs and fiber, vitamins, minerals, antioxidants, life-enhancing flavonoids, or any other such thing. You don’t have to be, you know-nutritious-at all. You can be hot fudge if you want.

That doesn’t mean you’re junk food-don’t go overboard. Maybe a good hot fudge sundae is just the right thing after a day of liver and kale. A perfect apple might be just right after an overdose of chicken nuggets (is it possible to underdose on chicken nuggets? The things they pass off as food today… .). And it’s possible that dessert might be a good walk in the park after a day strapped in a car seat. Dessert might even be some time reading together after an hour in front of the tube. At least with all your experience, you’ll have plenty of ideas on what’s the right treat for any situation, even if the rules on what’s the right meal have changed-and they change all the time.

Your grandchild has parents-and they’re not you. It’s your daughter-in-law’s turn to be required now.

So what if you’re not carrots? Who wouldn’t rather be a cookie?

You’ve already raised your kids. In fact, you did it so well, this girl-well, woman-actually fell in love with one of them. So why is it she doesn’t seem to trust you with your own grandchild? Pleasing your particular daughter-in-law just may be impossible. But there are some things to do that might at least make her less… shall we say prickly?

Number one, of course, is hold your tongue. Junior’s hair looks like a rat’s nest? “He’s so cute!” Princess poured maple syrup on your car keys and fed them to her gerbil? “What a great imagination!” So what if the two of them played tag-team dervishes in the china closet. “They get along so well!” And when Junior’s a little older and lot more sullen, and Princess strolls the mall looking like last night’s trash, they’ll just be “thoughtful and unique” as far as you’re concerned.

Yes, today’s parents go too easy. Maybe you would have shaved Junior’s head and locked Princess in her room. And maybe that’s the kind of parenting that turned your own Junior into this one’s father-the man your daughter-in-law loves. But your Junior loves your daughter-in-law as well, and he’s part of the team that’s raising those thoughtful and imaginative little ones-their way.

Your daughter-in-law doesn’t want to hear how well you did it, or how you’d do it differently from her. She will, however, hang on every word of every story of every mishap you had. The time your Junior jumped off the roof of the treehouse in the neighbor’s yard and broke his femur and the collarbone of the girl he landed on (where were you? Oh, that’s right, in the house at the time… ). Or the time your Princess stuffed the noise maker from a party favor up her nose and you had to stuff the baby-with measles-in the car with the squeaking girl for a trip to the emergency room, where your Princess promptly snorted out the noise maker and the nurses publicly chastised you for bringing out an infectious baby. Those things will make any daughter-in-law smile.

And those stories are also the best inroads for advice. Tell your daughter-in-law about the time you had to take your Junior to the company picnic right after he’d shaved stripes into his head and painted eyebrows on his forehead with permanent marker. She’s liable to trade you the story of how Junior braided hot-glue strings into his hair and now she can’t even comb it. You’ll know why he’s wearing that rat’s nest, and she might just ask you what you did, or maybe even, if you’re lucky, what you would do now.

Your daughter-in-law will be willing to learn from your mistakes, but she’s still living her own. Right now, to her, they’re momentous occasions, fearful crises, and staggering difficulties. It will take years for her to see them as mistakes-if she ever does. And maybe, as those years pass, you’ll come to see them as something else, too.

It’s an old quip: Parenthood is wasted on the young. We all know that grandparents can do the job much better, especially when the little ones can be sent home, promptly, at bedtime. After all, grandparents have the knowledge that comes with experience and the wisdom that comes with age. Those months after a baby is born are filled with firsts, but the most profound among them is that first time the young woman becomes a mother.

My memory of the day I brought my first child home from the hospital is as vivid as though it had been only yesterday, when in reality it happened more than 30 years ago. The infant - so beautiful in her perfection, was for me - like an alien being dropped into my lap. I had never seen a new born before, certainly never had the responsibility of caring for one - until my daughter came along. I carefully unwrapped the blanket from around her and studied her flailing little legs, her rounded belly, her perfect, tiny arms and her head that appeared to be too heavy for her body. My first thought was, “Is this the way a baby is supposed to look?”

I was alone then, with no one to ask or to reassure me. I will not describe those sleepless nights, times when my daughter had been screaming at the top of her lungs for what seemed like hours without end. When everything I tried from burping her to changing and feeding her had failed to calm her down, I spent the night walking back and forth across the living room, with her in my arms. She had her little arms wrapped around my neck, and as I rhythmically patted her back, she patted my shoulder in response.

Both mother and baby need to be pampered during those early months. There are many wonderful gifts you can give them to let them both know that you care, from an extra layette, to another dozen or two of cotton diapers, or perhaps a new dress for the mother, in order to celebrate her getting her figure back. But, perhaps the best gift of all is one of time. This means that if all you can do is help out with the housework for half an hour, running the vacuum cleaner or mopping floors, would be very much appreciated. Volunteering to take care of things for an hour or two, so that Mom can get a much needed nap would be delightful for her. The long hours she spends taking care of her infant, coupled with her lack of sleep would be overwhelming to anyone. These are the sorts of things the new mother would find nearly impossible to do regularly, at least until her new baby is sleeping through at night.

The last thing a new mother needs is the feeling that she is being criticized, or belittled by well-meaning friends and in-laws, or even by her own mother. A young woman with her first baby is like a mother lioness - ready to defend him against any harm, whether it is real or imagined. It is best to remember to let her be the one in charge, making the decisions about her baby, and she will all the more appreciate the help you offer to give her.

Willing and able grandmothers, aunts, and cousins-once almost universally available to give generously of their time, material wealth and advice to new parents-have now become rare. Today they are apt to live far away across the country or to be fully occupied with their own leisure or business commitments. A grandmother who does live near you and wants to be involved in the care of your baby can be a help or a hindrance, depending on her common sense and personality and upon your own attitude toward her interest. If she is critical of your efforts at housekeeping or baby care, plays the martyr, or refuses to consider the possibility that any way but hers is the right way to do anything, you won’t be overjoyed to see her coming. But if she gives advice only when she is asked for it, accepts you as you are, and is willing to help you in the ways you choose, she can be the best thing that’s happened to you-and to your child, as well. If you treasure memories of a special relationship with a grandparent, you want your child to have that same experience, one that can develop only between individuals separated by a generation. The baby’s grandfather, too, will have a special interest in your baby-his descendant. Accept his involvement in your baby’s life and encourage him to develop that privileged relationship that exists between a man and his grandchild. He may not be as actively involved with your baby as the baby’s grandmother, but his feelings may be just as strong.

Your first experience in sharing your child with a grandmother may be immediately upon your arrival home from the hospital, when she comes to give you a hand during the first days or weeks. Don’t be surprised if she prefers to do the cooking and cleaning and leaves the care of the baby to you. If she hasn’t been around a newborn for a time, she may be hesitant to test her long forgotten skills. You perhaps prefer that arrangement anyway, but don’t be resentful if she does want to do some things for the baby. You’ll have your chance later when she has left.

It’s possible that as you and Grandma talk about your baby, a difference of opinion between the two generations will arise. The problem will be one of conflicting information. Grandma may have to make many mental adjustments before she can accept and approve of your enthusiasm of some practices that were considered old fashioned and outdated when she herself was a young woman. Giving birth without anesthesia, for example; options such as birthing rooms, overnight hospitalization, and home births; and today’s emphasis on breastfeeding. She may find a young father’s total involvement in birth and child care inappropriate, because her husband left all that to her-and rightly so, according to her upbringing. You may find that you and she disagree about the use of pacifiers, about having a rigid schedule for feeding and bathing the baby, about whether to use cloth diapers or disposables. If Grandma is inflexible, you may dread the years ahead, anticipating continuous conflict about everything from nutrition to discipline.

However, those of the older generation who have raised families have a great deal to offer. Not every piece of advice Grandma will give you is based on a myth or an old wife’s tale, her years of experience taught her much that you can probably make use of. And many older relatives are willing to learn from new-generation mothers that, for example, a baby who is picked up every time he or she cries does not become spoiled and demanding, or that an immaculate house is not important to a baby’s health and welfare, or a family’s happiness.

What’s more difficult than raising a child? Raising your Mom! Beginning soon after the big news has been broken, parents-to-be find they may have a struggle on their hands. Well-meaning moms, looking forward to grandparenting, have wonderful ideas they are bursting to share. Ideas on how to eat during pregnancy, how much weight the pregnant mom should gain, why mom should bottle feed or breast feed or give new baby bottles of water when she’s fussy and solid food at two months.

Some of these ideas are well worth hearing, but others have Mom and Dad wondering if they will be able to reprogram Grandma before her first babysitting session!

What are new parents to do? Simple. Read up and be educated in the latest concerning child rearing, listen to the older generations offerings, and be ready to stand firm when information and opinions collide!

For example:

Grandmom: How much weight have you gained? Is your doctor happy with that? I only gained 18 pounds with you. I gained 25 with your brother, and my doctor put me on a diet. Did your doctor put you on a diet?

Mom-to-Be: No, Mom. My doctor did not put me on a diet. He is very happy with my weight gain and says I’m right on target. Nowadays, medical studies show a healthy weight gain is between 25 and 30 pounds, and I am within that range. I feel great and I’m eating healthy, and my doctor says the baby is thriving, so I am happy!

Or

Grandmom: Why do you make him sleep on his back? He will be much more comfortable on his tummy. You slept on your tummy.

Mom: True. I did sleep on my stomach, but the most recent research links stomach sleeping to SIDS. They are not exactly sure why, but I feel safer having Junior sleep on his back. Please make sure he is always on his back if you put him down.

Or

Grandmom: Where are baby’s cotton swabs? I’ll clean her ears for you.

Mom: Thanks, Mom, but I don’t use cotton swabs. The doctor says there is more danger of clogging her ears up by using them than not. They say ‘never put anything smaller than an elbow in the baby’s ear.’ You can use a washcloth to wash around it if you like.

The conversations may need repeating several (million) times before Grandma gets it straight, but the battle will be easier won by acknowledging her choices and backing up your own.

Get ready to stage similar mini battles on the following subjects:

Washing hands before handling baby Putting blankets on baby (”What is a sleep sack?” she will ask.) Breast vs. Bottle (especially if you yourself were a bottle baby) Fencing areas – Grandma’s swear by them! Sunning Baby Baby’s sleep schedule

Despite the many disagreements new parents will find they have with Grandma’s way of raising a baby, credit must be given. Mom did something right, or you wouldn’t be where you are today, right?

Where is Grandpa in all of this? He is happily cuddling baby and making cute cooing noises, that is, as long as the little one doesn’t cry. Grandpa isn’t worried about his two cents. He is happy to follow anyone’s suggestions, as long as he doesn’t have to change diapers.