Babies Tale

For all those who have delayed parenthood comes a moment of truth, a realization they have not made the decision to have a child and will therefore remain childless. Candace is 43. She says the timing has never been quite right for her to have a baby, although she has not ruled out the possibility altogether. “You have to be a realist and not a romantic about children. It’s easy to fantasize about having a baby … I’m not sure it’s right for me at the moment.”

The woman who at 43 has still not decided to have a baby will probably join the increasing numbers of women who are choosing never to have children. Recent statistics have shown a definite increase in the number of women choosing to remain childless. In I982, 4.9% of all women of childbearing age were voluntarily childless. By I995, the percentage had increased to 6.6%. (National Center for Health Statistics, I995) Although there is a shift towards later childbearing, statistics show that this increase in childlessness is likely to continue among younger women.

Aside from those who decide not to have children, there are those who want children very much and are unable to have them.

Tremendous advances have been made in infertility treatment over the past two decades. Of the nearly 5 million American couples who report difficulty or delays in achieving a live birth, I.3 million will receive medical advice or treatment for infertility. According to the American Medical Association Encyclopedia of Medicine (I989), professional treatment aids approximately half the women who seek help for fertility problems.

For those who have, for whatever reason, postponed having a baby into their mid- to late 30s, infertility can be a devastating blow. “I know it’s covered in the papers and I knew it was a risk, but I still didn’t think it would ever happen to me,” says Gina, 37. “After six months of trying I went to the doctor and he said, ‘Give it time. You’re not as fertile as you were. If you haven’t conceived in another six months we’ll do something.’ I hadn’t, so back to the doctor. He referred us to a clinic, but the first available appointment was three months away. Meanwhile, nothing happened. We had tests. They went on for months; each test had to be done only at the most fertile time of the month, so that took months to arrange. In the end they discovered I had blocked tubes, probably as a result of an appendicitis operation I had when I was a teenager. The discovery that there really was something wrong was appalling. I felt I only had about three years left.” Gina conceived two years later on her second attempt at IVF (in-vitro fertilization).

Many women find infertility is a terrible irony after years of using contraception. “I was on the Pill for I2 years. Then I discovered I had never ovulated to begin with. Those pregnancy scares I had when I’d taken chances before I went on the Pill, all those years of swallowing hormones-it all seemed so pointless. I was really angry and distressed.”

Rachel had always wanted children, but didn’t marry until she was 36. “We tried for a baby immediately. Nothing happened. After about nine months we started to do temperature charts. They seemed to show I was ovulating, and so then there was the awful business of trying to time sex for the most fertile time in my cycle. Those temperature charts started to dominate our sex lifePaul said he couldn’t stand being told when to perform. He thought I was being neurotic. Once he found out it wasn’t his sperm that were at fault, he lost interest in the whole process. I was devastated-if I didn’t have children, what else was there to look forward to?”

Those who remain childless, whether by choice or not, often find themselves put under considerable pressure by others. Questions such as, “So, when are you going to have a baby?” or

“Don’t you think it’s selfish not to have children?” are heard frequently. Some women do feel pressured into having a child by the outside world. “I had been putting it off and putting it off, and I’m not sure I really wanted a child. But then I thought, this is something almost everybody does. Will I feel I’ve missed something?” Pressure is put on women to have children by family and friends and, notoriously, by parents wanting grandchildren.

“My mother went on and on about having a grandchild and finally I said, ‘My career is important to me. If I have a baby, will you take care of it while I go back to work?’ She agreed-and it has worked out really well for us.” Others are not so lucky or do not give in to parental pressures. This can create a lot of stress in family relationships. “My mother complained about it so much, how unhappy I was making her, that she couldn’t see the point in life if she didn’t have grandchildren, that I started avoiding her.

Not only does she not have a grandchild, she’s on the way to losing her daughter, too.”

There’s no doubt that many private and public schools do an absolutely terrific job at providing quality education. Even so, home schooling is becoming more and more popular with parents-and for good reasons.

One of the main benefits of home schooling is pace. In the traditional systems, teachers often are forced to set the pace of learning not by the student, but by the students. A teacher will teach according to how long it takes for the majority of the class to comprehend a task or subject. This means that a special needs student who may need extra time or attention may not receive it despite the best intentions of the teacher. Likewise, especially gifted students may find themselves bored to tears and may not be able to progress as fast as they might if they were being instructed individually. With home schooling, a child’s curriculum can be adjusted to the child’s individual needs and interests.

A second benefit of home schooling is that it can be effectively applied even when a family moves a lot. Thus, home schooling may be the answer for parents who have jobs that require frequent travel. Parents are more actively involved in their child’s learning and get to spend more time with their child.

Third, technology has made home schooling incredibly easy, not to mention affordable. Parents who want to home school their children are only a mouse click away from a plethora of activities, lesson plans, and subject tests. Not only that, but there’s a multitude of various software and other tools that the kids themselves can use in order to learn. Another great benefit of the technology is that parents can do their own research to find the right materials for their child-the child doesn’t have to use a textbook of which the parents might not necessarily even approve or that doesn’t fit the needs of the child.

So what about the notions that home-schooled children are more socially inept, or that they fall behind their privately/publicly-schooled counterparts? Apparently, that may be all they are-notions. Research has shown that, contrary to popular belief, home-schooled kids consistently outperform students who go through the traditional systems-the out-performance isn’t just by a few points, either. One research study found that home-schooled kids out-performed those who go through the traditional system by up to 30 percent across the board! Not only that, home-schooled kids have been shown to be more involved in their community and to be happier later in life.

Home schooling isn’t for everyone (home schooling means that one parent must stay home, which affects family income, for example), and it’s important to realize that each state has its own set of requirements regarding home schooling. Nevertheless, home schooling does have some tangible benefits. The number of home-schooled children thus has risen significantly over the past few years. Currently, over a million children are classified as home-schooled in the United States, proving that although home schooling may not be the option, it is an option that parents can choose.

Some women experience morning sickness. Others suffer drastic ups and downs in hormone levels. I had neither. Instead, I was the pregnant woman who worried about anything and everything for 10 whole months. There was one particular worry that ran through my brain over and over like a hamster on a treadmill: How was my seven-year-old stepson going to handle the change?

My stepson was an only child, and while a baby brother or sister was always top on his Christmas and birthday wish lists, we weren’t really sure how he would react when his wish came true. At seven years old, an only child gets used to having the full attention of both his parents. We spent hours in the early days of my pregnancy discussing how we could help make a smooth transition and how we could involve our big boy in every aspect of welcoming baby into the family, starting with breaking the news.

When we finally decided to share the news of a new sibling, we crafted the moment and imagined his reaction. We brought him into the guest room and told him we needed his help; we wanted to paint the room but couldn’t decide on a color. He wanted orange, his favorite color du jour. We explained it depended who lived in the room. He furrowed his brow, as we scripted he would. “Who’s gonna live in our guest room?” he asked, again, as predicted. We led him through the rest of the conversation until he finally came to the right conclusion. “I’m getting a baby brother or sister!” he screamed. He screamed; I cried. It was all going so perfectly. We tried to lengthen the moment, but as with any seven year old, his attention span was minimal. After a few jumps up and down and hugs all around, he asked if he could go back to his cartoons. No, he didn’t have any questions, he said. “O.K.” Why did I ever worry?

We must have made the offer to answer questions a million times during the next six months. I worried I would have to explain where babies come from, and I did. I was relieved to learn that a simple explanation of love, decisions and doctors was enough to satisfy his curiosity. Whew! Of course, I worried I would have to go into more detail when baby came. Thank goodness, I did not.

I worried right up until the moment I went into labor. Fortunately our son was in school when it happened. I always feared I would go into labor in the middle of the night, and our son would have lasting resentment at being whisked off to a relative’s home in his sleep. I worried again after the baby was born, and my husband left to surprise the new brother at school.

I took a deep breath when our boy walked through the hospital door. His face lit up, and he ran to hug me. He hovered over his baby sister. He was in awe of every aspect of her smallness. He watched sweetly as I fed and burped her, and he held her so gently, it was as if his arms had been waiting for her forever. His voice immediately changed into a singsong replica of his own, cooing and talking away. “I love you, baby sister,” he said. It was at that moment, I knew I would never worry again.

None of us are islands. We grow and change best when we are in regular contact with other people. In isolation, we tend to shrivel and die a little bit each day.

Our children are growing in every way imaginable, and need this sense of companionship as much as or more than we do. However, we come from a culture that values independence, perhaps too much.

It wasn’t so long ago that parents were being advised by the ‘experts’ to make sure all their children were out of the house by the time they had either graduated from college, or reached the age of twenty-one. We believed, and still believe that our children had to learn how to take care of themselves on their own, or they would never be competent adults.

Young mothers raising their children alone in suburbia went a little bit nuts. I know I did when my children were small. We experimented with playgroups, which occasionally worked well. But, it too often happens that ‘other people’s children’ were born and raised in Hell. They can be impossible to deal with. They were just being little children, but at least mine did not grab, or hit, or bite. Did you know that in Swedish, there is a separate word to indicate children that aren’t yours?

For a while, my husband and I experimented with living communally with several other families. This was, for me, the best way to learn that there were many ways I could teach my children those values that were important to me, without falling back on those things my parents had done, which I believed had left me scarred for many years.

But, living with other people had been an attempt to fill in holes and spaces that had once upon a time been filled in by what we now call the extended family - the other members of our tribe. You know the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child.” Up until the 1880s in this country, parents, uncles and cousins lived nearby, or even in the same house. In healthful situations, growing children had all sorts of interaction with other people of all ages. They knew from the time they were born that any one of several people could happily meet their needs. They never had a chance to develop an overweening attachment to one person only. Mothers never felt as though they were completely isolated, and elderly people could contribute all they were capable of to the welfare of their families, knowing they would not have to die alone.

Now, our economy is making it downright difficult for nuclear families to survive on their own, and people are relearning the values of sharing their resources with parents and siblings. Today, I came across an article in one of the leading women’s magazines, describing how wonderful it was when a young woman, raising her daughter alone, invited her parents to come live with her. She is quoted as saying, “I wanted my daughter to grow up with family around her.” We all have much to learn. Perhaps being an adult includes knowing how to give and receive within a large family, as well as knowing how to meet all your needs by yourself.

As expectant parents, you perhaps thought that the baby soon to be born would be all yours, alone. Not quite so, as you probably found out. If you have other children, they share proprietorship with you; they are, after all, of the same generation as their new sibling. When they all get older, you may have the feeling, as some parents do, that it’s “them against us.” Your own two sets of parents, and perhaps your grandparents as well, have a vested interest in your child, they are his ancestors. They probably feel qualified and perhaps duty-bound, to advise you about every aspect of your baby. Many other people will also speak to you about “our baby” and offer advice. Anyone that knows you and cares for you felt like a participant throughout the pregnancy and will continue to do so during the rearing of your child, including aunts, uncles, and cousins; old and new friends; neighbors; colleagues of work; and probably the checkout clerk at the supermarket and the teller at the bank. You even share your baby with your pet, whose function in life now is to be the companion and protector of the child.

Preparing Your Children for the New Baby

Ideally, you’d tell your toddler or preschooler that you are expecting a baby only a short time before your due date, because with his or her undeveloped concept of time, six months or more is too long to wait. However, you don’t want the child to hear from someone else, so you’ll probably share it about the time you’re telling everyone. For a young child, try to tie the coming birth with something other than a specific date: “about the time of your own birthday” or “when the leaves on the trees are getting green.” Older children who can handle the time lag can be told earlier, and a teenager can be told very soon after you know for sure yourself. Being first to know, even before Grandma, will give this older child the adult status that builds self esteem. Just don’t tell a child of any age until you’re ready for the whole world to now. That kind of secret is impossible to keep.

The ages of your children will also determine to a large extent how you answer the questions about reproduction which will inevitably follow your announcement. The most important thing to remember is to give a child only the amount of information he or she actually asks for and can handle. A toddler, for example, probably wants only to know and can take in no more than that “the baby is growing in a special place inside mommy and will come out when it’s big enough.” A bright preschooler or school age child is likely to insist on knowing all the details of the baby’s life “in there.” If you have a pre-teen or a teenager, your pregnancy gives you the golden opportunity to pass on something of your value system as you candidly discuss human sexuality, reproduction, and family life. With children of any age, use the correct terminology for body parts and functions. Any shyness or embarrassment you may feel about speaking frankly will wear off with repetition, and you will be doing your child a favor, because he or she won’t have to relearn the words. You may find it helpful to draw upon the vast number of excellent books available for parents and children on the subject of reproduction [and for little kids, what it’s like to have a baby brother or sister], many of which are designed to be read together. Your librarian or bookstore clerk can lead you to the best of what’s available. Be willing to answer questions whenever they’re asked. With young children, don’t be surprised to if you must repeat your answers several times.

One thing you do not have to do is uphold your former standards of hospitality for friends and relatives who drop in to see your new baby, unexpectedly or by appointment. It’s not necessary for you to provide refreshments or even to offer a cup of coffee. Let visitors see the baby [asleep or awake], chat with them for a few moments, and let them go on their way. Discourage their handling and passing the baby around. Refuse to let anyone with a cold or any other illness into the same room as the baby. The parents among your visitors will understand all this perfectly, and if others do not, don’t worry. Your baby’s health and wellbeing, and your own, are of primary importance right now.

You may find, during the first few months of your baby’s life, that every aspect of your social life changes. If you’ve always loved to entertain at home, you’ll probably find it more enjoyable to save time and energy by meeting friends at a restaurant for dinner-and it will be good for you to get out of the house occasionally. If you are accustomed to going out a great deal, rarely spending a weekend evening at home, you may now prefer to spend quiet evenings by the fire.

This certainly does not mean that you must-or should-give up seeing fiends or going out altogether or never do things you enjoy. It only means that your priorities will probably change when you have an infant in your household, and that you’re not required to continue any old habits that you’ve outgrown or that you wish to put aside for a time.

Your children’s questions won’t be all about where babies come from. Children are naturally self-centered, and yours will want to know how this baby will affect their lives. Once a young child accepts the fact that a real baby will definitely join the family as another child for Mommy and Daddy to love, he or she will worry about being “deposed” supplanted in your affections and perhaps even in your home. The more imaginable the child, the more horrible may be the fears. Talking about the baby in terms of the child-saying, ‘You will be a big sister,” instead of “The baby will love you,” for example-and speaking of the baby as ours, not mine, will help. If a baby coming means that the child will move to a big bed or another bedroom, make the change well ahead of time, so it will be interpreted as growing up, not being pushed out. Don’t try to break your child of the pacifier habit just before the baby is due, and don’t send him or her off to nursery school just then, both for the same reason. Do be more generous than ever with your hugs and kisses and the special time you spend with your child each day. Bedtime is a wonderful time for a leisurely, loving cuddle that will reassure your child of your love.

Once their questions have been answered, older kids may disappoint you a little by their reaction to the coming baby. School, outside activities, and their friends keep them busy and make them independent, and they don’t expect a baby to make much difference in their lives. They may enjoy being allowed the privilege of sitting in on your discussions about what to name the baby, but you’ll want it understood that their choices will not necessarily be final. You may find preteens or teenagers showing signs of embarrassment about your pregnancy, kids that age don’t always like to have the results of their “old” parents continuing sexuality displayed for the whole world to see. You may be able to make them feel better by pointing out examples of other teens with infant siblings among friends and relatives. Be careful not to turn them off by telling them how much help they will be able to give you in caring foe the baby.

Kids of any age may enjoy helping you go through the baby clothes ["did I really wear that?"], set up the bassinet, and arrange the articles on the changing table. If a child really wants to-and only if that’s the case-you might consider taking him or her to the doctor with you a time or two, to hear the baby’s heartbeat. And if you can occasionally bring a baby into the house as a guest or babysitting charge, both you and your child can get a little practice at seeing how things will be when your own baby arrives.

I was eight months pregnant with my first baby and sitting in the front seat of our car when my 7-year-old stepson called over my shoulder and asked the heartbreaking question. “What if my brother or sister and me fight all the time?” As a stickler for rules, I wanted to tell him that fighting wouldn’t be tolerated in our family and that everyone must get along! Thankfully, I paused a second, and in that small amount of time, my own childhood and relationship with my brother flooded my memory.

Our relationship was anything but perfect. I am sure some would have considered us downright rotten. In one second the sounds of fighting and name-calling rang through my ears, as did the shrill voice of my mother yelling, calling us by the wrong names in her frustration. I heard doors slam, felt kicks and punches land on arms and legs and saw my brother sitting proudly in the recliner clutching every phone cord in the house. When all else failed, I would call my mom at work to tattle. My brother had a clever way of preventing any further trouble: he unplugged all of the phones in the house. A smile spread over my face as my son awaited a reassuring answer. He was still an only child and the worry in his face of getting this relationship right was apparent. I told him brothers and sisters fight all the time and that it is part of growing up. I assured him he and his younger sibling would get into loads of trouble together, would be sent to their rooms left and right and would probably drive me crazy in the process. I watched as the look of concern turned to one of disbelief. I could tell he was shocked at my admission that fighting was a natural part of sibling relationships and that the idea didn’t upset me.

I further eased his mind by walking him down my own memory lane. I even taught him some of my old tricks to getting out of trouble - a choice I will probably regret in the future!

By the time my husband finished his errand and returned to the car, my son’s face was bright as can be. The stories spilled out of him as he recounted tales of my childhood sibling rivalry. He was thrilled to tell Daddy how I used to tattle on Uncle Jimmy and call him names when Grandma wasn’t looking. He also told Daddy that he and his brother or sister are going to fight, but that he was going to try his best not to.

My husband just looked over at me questioningly. I could tell he had no idea how this subject came to be. I just smiled back at him, letting him know that it was all right. He doesn’t need to start thinking about the sibling rivalry that will turn us gray - not just yet, anyway. With baby still on the way, I think we have a few years before we have to talk about it again.

When I was in the fifth grade, the school nurse set aside a special time when she pulled all the girls out of the class. Sequestered in a room without any males (apparently their presence would be detrimental to us females for the next 45 minutes), the school nurse proceeded to show us a video that explained the basics of the female reproductive system. The next week, the boys were given their own video session.

Too bad half the girls already had started their periods and half the guys were able to demonstrate via jokes a working understanding of what guys were supposed to “do” with girls.

Schools have been teaching sex education in late elementary school for years. The problem is, that just doesn’t cut it anymore-kids are reaching sexual maturity at an earlier and earlier age, and as parents, we need to have a concept of what is affecting the development of our children so that we can be prepared.

First, genetics has some influence over when a child matures. If you’re a woman who was a late bloomer, odds are you’ll have daughters who are, too. The same goes for men-if your voice didn’t drop fully until you were 17, don’t be too anxious if your son is still able to sing alto in choir his freshman year in high school.

Secondly, nutrition plays a role in development in that a child’s body cannot mature sexually if it doesn’t have enough vitamins, minerals, or caloric intake. Girls who don’t eat enough for one reason or another, for example, have been shown to start menses later than girls whose diets are nutritionally sound.

The third factor that affects sexual maturation is weight. Sexual maturation is tied to the body fat ratio (the ratio of body fat to lean muscle tissue)-the body needs fat to carry out the sexual maturation process because energy is used by the body to make reproductive tissues and organs grow. Once a person’s body fat ratio is high enough, their body is able to develop the reproductive organs, regardless of whether or not the person is of “reproductive” age. For this reason, children who are overweight are more likely to develop faster than their thinner counterparts. Thus, it is little wonder that, in a generation experiencing what has been called an “obesity epidemic,” earlier sexual maturity is on the rise.

All this being said, it’s important to point out that every child is different. There is no surefire way to pinpoint when your child will need “the talk.” Even so, it’s best to play it safe and be early instead of late with information. If your 8 year old can figure out how to reach the highest cabinet in the house when you have your back turned, chances are they’ll be able to grasp the puzzle pieces concept with men and women and how that all works, too. Sure, they might be a bit grossed out at first, but I, for one, would much rather have my kid grossed out than freaked out.

Ok. I’ll admit it. I was picked on as a kid. I didn’t say anything about it (mainly because I was too busy wondering what was wrong with looking like a female Steve Urkel), and I resolved to put the worst behind me.

Despite all my best intentions not to think about my tortures ever again, old Father Time decided to roll back the clock a bit when my 12-year-old sister-in-law, Nicole, came to stay the weekend with my husband and me. She was quitting ballet, she announced, an activity I knew she’d loved since she was five. Her reason? The other kids were teasing and bullying her about her weight. Two months later, Nicole announced that her mother was going to let her switch schools. Her reason? The kids were teasing and bullying her about her weight.

Now, I’ll be honest. I’ve seen Nicole eat, and it’s pretty much equivalent to observing one of the seven wonders of the world-considering she’s about to enter the teen years, that doesn’t surprise me a bit. Even so, Nicole’s announcements made me sad. After all, I knew what it was like to feel different and get teased, and I knew what it was like to want things to change. I was angry that she felt obligated to quit a favorite activity and to leave her school just because no one was willing to say anything to the teasers. Then I started to think about what I would do to fix the problem.

Kids bully for all sorts of reasons. Most of the time, it’s because the bullies have problems at home, because they want to impress others by being tough, or because they just want to push boundaries. With that kind of a bully, a parent or caregiver can explain to their bullied child why the single bully may be acting the way they are. Nevertheless, what is a parent or caregiver supposed to do and say when it’s the entire mass of children that is bullying their child?

Telling a socially bullied child that they are still special and beautiful and talented (among other things) does work, but only to a point. Even if all those things are true, it only does so much, because children tend to be influenced more by the peer group than the family once they reach a certain age. Kids look to others who are their own age for guidance on a whole plethora of things, so a kid who is bullied by multiple peers will find it more difficult to believe it when Mommy or Daddy tells them how bright or wonderful they are. For this same reason (and to make matters even worse), after a while, socially bullied kids can start to believe that the cruel actions and words of their peers are reality. This can lead to stress, which can lead to a host of health problems and/or depression.

Taking a bullied kid out for ice cream or buying them something doesn’t work either, because 1) it’s only a temporary fix, and 2) it teaches the bullied child that food and material objects are the normal ways to cope with pain.

Telling a kid just to forget about or to ignore bullying is pretty ineffective, too (would you be able to forget or ignore someone telling you that you were ugly or pushing you against the nearest locker -or worse-every day?). Kids remember even when we don’t want them to remember.

Based on my own experiences, I think the best thing a parent or caregiver can do when their child is being socially bullied is to sit their child down and explain the simple fact that human beings-even kids-are social beings. They’ll copy what everyone else is doing, even if it’s bullying, because they don’t want to be left out. Parents need to communicate that the child is loved, of course, but parents also need to be willing to go to school or daycare administrators and the parents of the bullies and to stand their ground in a demand for change. Bullying doesn’t just go away, so parents and caregivers need to look out for the signs and take action when those signs are seen. It doesn’t guarantee the bullying will stop entirely, but it can let your child understand more fully why it’s happening and that you’re willing to defend them, and that makes all the difference.